When I look back at my life, I am astonished at how absurd I have allowed it to become. If I asked my 12-year-old self whether he wanted to live the safest, most solid life or the craziest, most unhinged and unstable life, he would probably opt for the latter. It seems like a good idea, but there's no real place in society for one such as this. How could I have got this far and been so clueless about how money and a career is the backbone of a "successful" (i.e. more than survivalist) life? And why me? And why can't I get anywhere with such a breadth of knowledge?
If you live your life as if humanity is solvable and that is the only thing to live for, or if you live your life as if your goal is to go to every country and shake every person's hand, or if you live your life as if you are going to die by the age of 40 and you have to sprint through life trying to understand as much as you can in that time... good luck to you. That right insular cortex has got a hold on you and it may not let go until it's too late.
It's weird to have lived a life up until 40 feeling as if nothing could be better, and then after 40 feeling as if nothing could be worse. And that number form synesthesia... did I see this coming? Eternal recurrence? I dunno. Psychosis can only be explained post hoc because you don't know what's going to come until you get there.
You can only think "what a world to inherit!" and then look at your life within the context of the short timeline that you will exist and think "I guess it couldn't have been other than it is... how tragic." But as my sustainable engineering prof said, you can either wallow in doom and gloom or say "what an opportunity!" Unfortunately, I was looking too far too quickly and now I must pay a hefty toll.
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